GOMO!® —Get Over it; Move On is a remarkable strategy. GOMO!® is a discovery of the power you hold to get over obstacles that hurt your relationships and that block progress towards your desired goals. GOMO!® is a simple process to learn and apply, whether with one employee or with a work team. It’s a powerful secret that needs telling for resolving daily conflicts.
Get Over it; Move On! is a daily strategy for getting over weaknesses, removing negativity, and insisting that your teams move on to the power of an extraordinary high performance team. What needs getting over? What specific issues and negative behaviors are blocking achievement? Daily annoyances, petty grievances, situational stress, the curve balls of project goals, grudges, and personal betrayals are just a few of the areas that benefit from a sincere GOMO!®.
Here are the five steps of this powerful strategy that immediately raise productivity, reduce stress, and increase energy for goal achievement once you’ve determined an issue that needs a GOMO!®.
The GOMO! Basics
Get connected….how are you feeling?
Own your it….what are the facts around your “it”?
Make your decision….are you willing to release your “it”?
Opt for action….Let it go!
! Replace the space….Move On with a piece of strength.
1. Get connected with your feelings. “People can refute your facts, but never your feelings.” You feel what you feel. There is merit in acknowledging specific feelings so that you can decide what to do about them. So get connected. Is it tough for you to identify and acknowledge deeper feelings? Use the list in Appendix 4 as a jumpstart.
2. Own the facts of your “it”. A proverb tells us, “the sky is not less blue because the blind man doesn’t see it.” Revealed truth helps us evaluate the wisdom of releasing our “it”. What are the answers to who, what, when, where, and why that describes your “it”? Discover and evaluate the truth; and you’ll be ready for the third step.
3. Make your decision to release your "it". By connecting with your feelings and owning the facts of your “it”, you have clearer, more specific information to make your decision. Will it be “yes, I’ll let it go,” or “no, I won’t?” GOMO!® is a choice. If we choose to hold on to anger or worry or frustration, then we no longer camp with victims. We have the power to choose release from distress, or not. And if we choose “not”, we’ve still exercised our power of choice.
4. Opt for action. The ideal result of “opt for action” is real action that releases the negative “it”, the worry of “it”, and the stress of “it”. Sometimes we make a decision that is powerful in intent, but we don’t follow through with the action to bring the decision alive. No action. No results. As a wonderfully clear Chinese proverb tells us, “Talk doesn’t cook rice.”
5. Replace the space with power. Move On with a “Piece of Strength.” Pieces of strength are in abundance. Pieces of strength include actions that build the health of your team’s relationships and their progress towards goal achievement. Use the following question as a cue to work with your team for additional pieces of strength: What specific changes in the way we work would help us work together faster, more effectively, and with more fun?
The GOMO! Basics
Get connected….how are you feeling?
Own your it….what are the facts around your “it”?
Make your decision….are you willing to release your “it”?
Opt for action….Let it go!
! Replace the space….Move On with a piece of strength.
25 Specific Solutions for Difficult Behaviors:
1. Create physical space.
2. Establish emotional boundaries (standards of behavior).
3. Invite critical feedback.
4. Consider your response to rights vs. needs vs. wants.
5. Develop respectful responses to disrespectful behavior.
6. Do not shoulder the blame for criticisms that are not yours to own.
7. Listen with respect and respond with care.
8. Stick to issues and behaviors.
9. Choose and use a level of assertion; especially try empathetic.
10. Initiate contact with, “Specifically, how can I be helpful to you?
11. Maintain your focus on, “We can work this out.”
12. Expect respect. (“We can work this out when you stop yelling.”)
13. Say what you mean in specific terms (we can’t read minds).
14. Use fair humor (quips, toys, stickers, etc.).
15. Keep congruent – words, tone actions.
16. Avoid debate.
17. Use sure signals for confidence. (Head up, face forward, eye contact, shoulders back, steady stance, posture straight, no leaning)
18. Count to 10. Use silence to increase your calm. It’s valuable to “leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
19. Speak from the “same side of the table.”
20. Tangible reminders to respond appropriately. (notes, touchstone, cues from a colleague, this notebook J)Document facts of behaviors and situation.
21. Build your credibility with your language and actions of deny Junk Talksm and raise WOW!sm.
22. Give people a way out. Establish choices.
23. Refuse the win-lose perspective.
24. Breathe. Fully breathe for calm and for conveying steadiness and confidence.
Ancient wisdom tell us, “everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
More recent research indicates that we spend about 40-45% of our waking hours listening, but only at 25% efficiency (“The Power of Listening” by Dr. Tony Alessandra, Ph.D.).
A common cause of conflict is that we don’t listen carefully enough – to content or to emotions. Three barriers to careful listening are our presumption, impatience and pride. Which is your greatest barrier?
Our poor listening consistently leads to:
· Miscommunication
· Errors
· Lower productivity and morale
· Lost customers
· Increased turnover
To listen with care:
· Know why you are listening
· Focus on content and the non-verbal messages
· Organize what you are hearing through observation, reflective listening and note taking
· Give your attention; if you cannot, say so
· Avoid distractions
· Avoid giving advice, moralizing, predicting the future, or asking questions
· Avoid interrupting
· Listen with your heart as well as your head
Squint With Your Ears!
Conflict 101
· A conflict is more than just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real).
· Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them.
· We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation, not necessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.
· Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you aren’t comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully.
· Conflicts are an opportunity for growth. When you’re able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust. You can feel secure, knowing your relationship can survive challenges and disagreements.
| One way to peacefully resolve conflict is for each side · to come together voluntarily · to work cooperatively on the issues · under the guidance of a trained facilitator Conflict resolution should be a voluntary process that · reflects the school's values if applied throughout the school · is also modeled and followed by teachers, administrators, and staff · will fail if perceived as a process for students only The following process should be under the guidance of a trained facilitator. · Gather information: identify key issues without making accusations · Focus on what the issues are, not who did what · Avoid accusations, finding fault, calling names | ||
| Each party · states their position and how it has affected them; · in turn repeats or describes as best they can · tries to view the issue from other points of view beside the two conflicting ones · brain storms to find the middle ground, a point of balance, creative solutions, etc. · volunteers what he or she can do to resolve the conflict or solve the problem Then: · A formal agreement is drawn with agreed-upon actions for both parties; · A procedure is identified should disagreement arise · Progress is monitored · Progress rewarded or celebrated Each party in collaborative conflict resolution If the conflict cannot be resolved in this manner, Education is an excellent setting
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Conflict 101
· A conflict is more than just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real).
· Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them.
· We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation, not necessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.
· Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you aren’t comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully.
· Conflicts are an opportunity for growth. When you’re able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust. You can feel secure, knowing your relationship can survive challenges and disagreements.
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| Unhealthy responses to conflict: | Healthy responses to conflict |
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| · An inability to recognize and respond to the things that matter to the other person · Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions · The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment · An inability to compromise or see the other person’s side. · The fear and avoidance of conflict; the expectation of bad outcomes | · The capacity to recognize and respond to the things that matter to the other person · Calm, non-defensive, and respectful reactions · A readiness to forgive and forget, and to move past the conflict without holding resentments or anger · The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing · A belief that facing conflict head is the best thing for both sides | ||
The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:
- Manage stress quickly while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.
- Control your emotions and behavior. When you’re in control of your emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening, frightening, or punishing others.
- Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others.
- Be aware of and respectful of differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you can resolve the problem faster.
Tips for managing and resolving conflict
Managing and resolving conflict requires the ability to quickly reduce stress and bring your emotions into balance. You can ensure that the process is as positive as possible by sticking to the following conflict resolution guidelines:
· Listen for what is felt as well as said. When we listen we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us.
· Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or "being Right". Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
· Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.
· Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. Maybe you don't want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes. But if there are dozens of spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it.
· Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
· Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.
One of the biggest keys to team conflict resolution is to acknowledge the different personality styles within your team and its individual members. Team conflict resolution has a lot to do with dealing with the differences in each independent personal style. Obviously each person on a team is going to have a unique personality. This is actually a good thing most of the time, because when people are able to make use of their unique talents, all of the necessary functions of a project can be addressed and covered. Teams need balance when it comes to different approaches and beliefs.
For example, in order for a team to work, it should feature practicality as well as vision, tradition as well as change, details as well as big, broad picture, structure and creativity, focus on content as well as focus on process, reserved style in addition to outgoing style, relaxed pace and fast paced, and the list goes on. Team members can quite possibly challenge one another to expand and to grow, meaning that there is an opportunity there for harmony just as well as conflict. Conflict is not necessarily a bad thing, as some conflicts can have positive results when properly resolved.
Personality Style Differences and Team Conflict Resolution
Even when a team feeds off of the advantages that the other team members offer, there are still potential problems that can arise, most often relating to personality style differences which lead to a need for team conflict resolution. The ability for these conflicts to be recognized early, and the ability to understand the fallacy that lies in these problems are absolutely essential when it comes to being able to make personality style differences work together with one another. Here is a look at some of the things to look out for, for when it comes to personality style differences and conflict resolution.
The “My Way is Correct” Perception
Just because something may come quite naturally to you that does not mean it is necessarily the one right way to do it. It is easy to think this way or feel this way, but the truth is, there is more than one single right way to accomplish most things, and there is a LOT that you can learn by watching other members of your team as they are able to obtain solid results by following a different method. One of the true keys of team conflict resolution, as with any other conflict resolution, is to take something away from every conflict as a learning experience.
Conflicts in Day to Day Situations where Differences are Commonly Experienced
Although a team needs a balance of different approaches in order to thrive, these differences are capable of causing conflict. The solutions to these conflicts are often found in the tension that arises when values from different team members are brought into the situation.
Misreading the Motives of Others Based on Self Reference
Team members often attempt to read the behavior of their other team members by trying to use themselves as a reference. For example, someone who is talkative may perceive a quiet person to be angry or upset simply because they are not talking, not realizing that they simply have two different styles of behavior. One person’s behavior does not necessarily mean what you think it does simply because you perceive it to mean a certain feeling or action, meaning that using the self as a reference is often at the root of team misunderstandings as well as a need for team conflict resolution.
Judging Differences Rather Than Appreciating Them
Team members thrive when they work with people who are unique from them, at least if you want the team to be truly effective. However, it is quite easy for people to mistakenly or unintentionally become judgmental about how other people handle certain tasks, rather than having an appreciation for the differences.
Excluding or Avoiding Perceived Troublemakers
Troublemakers may be defined as anyone who approaches something different, or who challenges another person in the team. Troublemakers are actually a good thing, and are useful in the team conflict resolution process. This is because people who challenge us tend to cause us to reevaluate, think and maybe even learn a new way that something can be accomplished.
Team conflict resolution will be a much simpler process when team members are able to identify these patterns in their own selves, nipping them in the bud before they develop into serious conflict issues.
Conflicts are an everyday part of life. Many people find resolving conflicts a difficult job and why not? It is a tricky thing to deal with. Read on, to know about some very simple conflict resolution strategies.
You often face conflicts in your personal as well as professional life. But many a times you think, why address a conflict and create one more? It is better to keep quiet and just see whatever is going on! However, this strategy of yours may not work for a long period. As a time will come in life, where you will find it difficult to bear the conflict and this would result in nothing but frustration and stress. Moreover, it could also spoil your health and adversely affect your career. Therefore, instead of getting frustrated and ruining your precious life, just try to find out a solution! This would not only help you in resolving the conflict, but also help you in avoiding such conflicts in the future. Get to know about some conflict resolution strategies through this article..
Speak Up
It happens with most of the people, that they isolate themselves from their friends, relatives and subordinates, when they are going through a bad phase or are facing any type of conflicts in their life. However, such a strategy (or many a times, a habit!) does not work. This is because, the more you keep quiet, bigger the conflict gets. It is therefore advisable to speak up your mind. Speak about your conflicts to your friends, relatives or whoever is close to you. Get an expert advice from the elder members of your family. Their life experience would help you resolve the conflict! Apart from speaking up to friends and relatives, keep your ego aside, gather enough courage and speak directly with the person with whom you are in a conflict. Discuss the reasons, make a compromise and reach to a mutual settlement where both of you are happy and contended with whatever is decided. I suppose this is the best strategy because you two are the ones who know the conflict better than anyone else.
Listen
A conflict situation is one full of people from all sides, trying to voice their opinions at the same time. Speaking gives you the liberty to express your thoughts. But when it comes to conflict resolution, speaking proves to be effective only after listening to something. So if you desire to come up with a good solution to the conflict, develop your listening skills. Listening just doesn't mean to hear the problem. But here it means to actually listen and understand the problem and developing a solution in your mind simultaneously. Listening not only helps you in developing a solution, but also makes you understand the point of view of the person in front of you. Once you are done with listening, the other person will listen to you and now you can express your thoughts. A mutual understanding of each other's feelings and expectations would thus resolve the conflict and strengthen the bond between both of you.
Be Assertive
Assertiveness plays an important role, when it becomes conflict management. Assertiveness is a combination of several different qualities. While being assertive you need to be patient, a good listener, confident and have a positive thinking towards life. Try to indulge in such a communication process that would give birth to a solution, beneficial to both the parties. Avoid using words such as 'I do' or 'I don't do'. Instead, use words like 'I feel' or 'I believe'. Remember the principle, 'I am OK, you are OK', while being assertive to resolve a conflict. It should be a 'win-win' situation for everyone. Do not be biased, think from all the possible perspectives and verify all the facts.
Forget It
Time is said to be the best medicine to cure the wounds caused to your mind and heart. If you have tried everything that was possible from your side and all your negotiation skills and conflict resolution strategies have failed to resolve the conflict, then it is advisable to maintain distance from that person for some time. Let time heal your wounds and once it’s done, forget everything, meet up once again and speak. But if you think that the conflict would even then never get resolved, then cut ties forever. It is better to cut ties than bear the conflict for an eternity.
Use these conflict resolution strategies and you will definitely come up with an effective solution. Life is a short journey, so do not ruin it with petty things such as disputes and conflicts. Rather enjoy it. See that you avoid conflicts in future and speak your concern for anything then and there itself. But yes, also remember to 'think' before you speak something, or your words might lead to another conflict. If you have a conflict, get it resolved once and for all, instead of stewing over it forever!
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| "If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great." I do not own (nor do I pretend to own) a corner in the market for truth. Nonetheless, here is the truth according to Fritz: Authentic listening occurs when you respond to the speaker in ways which indicate to him that you care about what he's saying and give him every opportunity to complete his train of thought. Authentic and empathic listening are wrapped in the same cloak. The idea is to let the speaker know without a doubt that you are focusing your attention on his words and feelings with the specific intent to understand his point. Learning to listen authentically will literally change your life. How, you say? Well, to begin with --
How Do You Listen Authentically? The purpose of our company is to assist you in your quest to understand the nature of conflict. | ||||
